


The Adventures of House Husband Killua

by the-hxh-files (thehxhfiles)



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alcohol, Killua should never shop alone, M/M, This is ridiculous, help me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 05:58:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8316463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehxhfiles/pseuds/the-hxh-files
Summary: Killua was just looking for one thing at the Bed, Bath & Beyond, but he found much more than he had bargained for.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MurderBaby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MurderBaby/gifts).



> So there's a web series on Youtube called "Gayle". It is the funniest most incredible thing I have ever seen and after obsessively watching it for weeks I had to write this. I'm not sure if anyone else will find this funny but I wrote this for MurderBaby <3 
> 
> So if anyone has a good laugh and leaves with a smile that was my only intention!

The Adventures of House Husband Killua  
Episode 1: Bed, Bath, and Beyond

Thirty-five. Happily married for the last 12 years of my life to my best friend in the entire world. Gon Zoldyck-Freecs. He’s perfect in every single way and I wouldn’t trade him for all of the boxed wine in the entire universe. Don’t get me wrong we do have our differences. Gon can’t seem to appreciate shopping for household items with the same intensity and vigor as me, so that’s what brings me here. Alone in the Bed, Bath & Beyond, searching for rubber sheets.

They’re for my son. That’s what I’ll tell the cashier at least. I can’t have the whole goddamn world knowing I spill so much wine in our bed that this has become a necessary precaution. I have some shame, you know.

I took a giant gulp from my water bottle, the buzz finally setting into a pleasant level for this amount of fraternizing with the general public. Yeah, that’s right, my water bottle is full of vodka. You can’t expect me to just… be sober when I do my shopping. Right? What kind of lunatic would shop sober? Not me. No way no how.

I was in Bath right now. This store was new, so I was feeling overwhelmed being in a strange place, trying to figure out up from down. I needed to find Bed. What if I wound up in Beyond?! What were they keeping in Beyond anyway? It seemed mysterious. I had to know.

I made my way through the aisles of Bath, slowing down at an impressive display of adjustable showerheads. These looked like luxury. I like luxury. I began attempting to read all of the pros and features listed for a particular model when an employee approached me.

“Good afternoon, Sir! Is there anything in particular I could help you with today?” His face was way too fucking happy for 2 PM on a Wednesday. I bet that little fucker snorts coke. He wasn’t sniffling. Maybe he doesn't snort coke. Maybe he just has very unfortunate face muscles. What if he literally can’t control how wide his smile is? That would be horrific. I would die. My resting bitch face was at least 70% of my aesthetic. “Sir?”

“Oh! Yeah, uh, these are showerheads.”

“They, yes they are, Sir.”

“Stop saying that, anyway, yes. What do you think?”

“What do I think about what?”

“Would you get the one that vibrates? I mean, I would get the one that vibrates for sure, but like, what is the velocity of the vibration? Do you think it’s even worth it? My husband lifts. Do you think he would need the vibration? Is it even called that? This package says ‘pulsing’.” I tried to scan the packaging as well as I possibly could under those fluorescent lights and my slight inebriation. I put on my Gucci shades, much better. I finally looked up when I realized many seconds had passed and I had received no response. I was about to get bitchy before I looked up and saw the horrified look on this kid’s face. He was as red as a tomato with a god damn sunburn.

“Get your mind out of the gutter! I have stressed out back muscles!” I shouted, and the kid turned tail and fucking ran. Useless little gutter troll. Nothing was gonna stop me from doing dirty things with that shower head regardless, but I didn’t like that look of judgement coming from someone who had no control over the width of his smile. I tossed it in my cart and moved along. 

Okay, there was no way I was looking at towels today. That was a 4 hour excursion, AT LEAST. I needed to stay focused. I was looking for Beyond…. NO! I was looking for Bed. I had to get those sheets that I came in for.

I wondered what Carmichael was doing at home without me. Carmichael is my son, he’s 5. Gon likes to implore me to “make clear” that Carmichael is a “cat” and not a “human boy”. One too many mojitos in my system and I guess the lines become very blurred to guests on whether or not I let my son lick his own asshole.

I had to tear myself away from a few more decorative bathroom objects before I finally made my way back to the main aisle. I took another sip out of my magic bottle and took a look around. Beyond had to be right around the corner.

***

So it turns out Beyond is actually a treasure trove of kitchen appliances and basically any household goodie you could possibly dream of. By the time my cart was full of a brand new carrot juicer (for Gon’s DISGUSTING smoothies) and 5 different mixes for cake pops I was sloshed. I had been hitting the Vodka bottle just a bit too hard in my excitement over banana cake mix. I was going to make them look like they had little bunny ears and faces I mean, could you have possibly passed them up? Fortunately my shopping cart helped it look like I had it all together. I did not.

I wobbled my way around, placing random things in my cart until I finally found it: BED.

The very first display was full of 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. Fuck me sideways. I scooped up a set of black ones for our California King. I like ample leg room, alright?

Once I located the rubber sheets, hidden stealthily among normal items, I was disgusted to discover they only came in size twin and full. THIS WAS DISCRIMINATION. Are you trying to tell me that a grown man, with a California King bed, could not purchase rubber sheets because he sometimes, always, spills white wine in bed?

I immediately pulled out my iPhone 7 and began tweeting about how fucking RACIST Bed, Bath & Beyond was when I noticed I had an incoming call from Gon. Shit. I took a deep breath and schooled my tone the best I could.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Sweetheart! How’s shopping going?” I melted at his divine voice.

“Oh, hey, Hunny! You know, it’sss very good! I mish you!” FUCK.

“Killua?”

“Y-yes, Dearest?”

“Oh, oh God, you’re drunk. Killua, Sweetie, we talked about this?”

“I--I’m fine! I’m fine! I’m buying a lot of nice things.”

“I… sure you are. I bet you are. Listen, I’m coming to get you. I’ll be there in like 30 minutes tops. DO NOT BREAK ANYTHING. I love you, light of my life, my sweet darling please just… sit down somewhere and wait.” I heard him sigh as he hung up, and I sighed myself. Well, now what?

I saw a display bed about 10 feet from me and that seemed like as good of a place as any to sit and wait for Gon to come find me. Hopefully the juicer I picked up would be enough to make him forget about my public drinking. I sat there for a moment, staring off into space before my eyelids began to get heavy. The room was beginning to spin a bit, which was alarming with the tolerance I have built up for the last 20 years. Don’t judge me. I’m just gonna… lay back for a sec.

I woke up to my shoulder being jostled lightly, two big brown eyes, lined with worry staring into my own.

“G-gon?” As I sat up I realized Gon wasn’t the only one looking at me. My sunglasses were falling off of my face and my head was still swimming. There was an employee that I assumed was a manager looking at me with her arms crossed, giving me the stink eye. “Whus… goin’ on?” I asked. Nailed it. Eloquent.

Gon had a pained look on his face. “Babe? I called you a whole bunch of times and you didn’t answer so I tried to have them page you and when you didn’t show up we had to find you.” His strong Italian arms were right in my line of sight. 

I fumbled around in my pocket and pulled at my cell, squinting. Damn, 13 missed calls. He wasn’t kidding.

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to purchase your items and leave.” Right, Miss Thing was still here. Man, I was fucked.

“C’mon, Babe, let's get your stuff and go home, alright?” He turned to the lady with a nervous smile. “So sorry, Ma'am, he has a good heart. He just really loves shopping.” I rolled my eyes.

“Yes, well, maybe he should consider shopping elsewhere next time.”

“Bitch,” I mumbled under my breath, losing my balance a bit as I went to stand, Gon quickly moving to support me.

“And you will not be welcomed back onto the premises here ever again.”

“Yes, ma'am, of course,” Gon began, and I shoved over him trying to get at her with my kickboxing legs. Gon grabbed me quickly around the waist to pull me back before I started foaming at the mouth, my legs kicking in front of me.

“Listen here, bitch! You don't give my beautiful Italian husband and his bulking muscular arms that kind of attitude in front of me! He could rip a telephone book in half like a piece of thinly sliced deli turkey!!”

“Killua, please!”

“Sir, if you remove your husband right this instant I will decide to not call the police!”

“Yes, of course,” Gon mumbled, dragging me bodily out of the place, leaving my spoils of war behind. I stopped struggling after that woman was out of my sight, my energy completely spent and my sleepiness creeping back up on me tenfold.

After Gon had tucked me safely onto the backseat and pulled a blanket over me I laid there pouting, angry that I had accomplished absolutely nothing today. So much for that stupid new store. 

“What do you want for dinner, Babe?” Gon asked, peeping at me through the rear view mirror as he started driving home. He wasn't even mad. He was smiling at me like I was the only star left in the sky. I was the luckiest man in the entire known universe.

“Tacos,” I said quietly.

“You got it.”

And that was how I got a lifetime ban from Bed, Bath & Beyond.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope y'all had fun! There may be more to come!


End file.
